Beau Lamarre-Condon broke down in tears about five times within the four hours he was in the witness box during his double murder trial on Thursday.
He took the stand for the first time as the defence began their case, following weeks of witnesses being questioned by the prosecution.
Every time his voice quavered, he was either talking about suicidal ideation and how much the teens he worked with at Youth Command trusted him.
He never teared up when talking about Jesse Baird, his former lover he is accused of murdering.
Lamarre-Condon has pleaded not guilty to two counts of domestic violence-related murder over the deaths of Baird and his boyfriend Luke Davies, and one count of break and enter.
He is the first witness in the defence case.
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Key UpdatesAccused killer cried over his suicide attempts, but not about his dead ex-lover
Beau Lamarre-Condon broke down in tears about five times within the four hours he was in the witness box.
Every time his voice quavered, he was either talking about suicidal ideation and how much the teens he worked with at Youth Command trusted him.
He never teared up when talking about Jesse Baird, his former lover he is accused of murdering.
Lamarre-Condon was a shell of his former, highly-manicured self.
At one stage, he referred to his own 'fragrance'.
He often slouched and moved his swivel chair back and forth while giving evidence.
He appeared thin and pale, and his military-style crew cut was uneven and patchy, and he was repeatedly told that he was speaking too quickly for the court transcribers.
'Sorry, I don't notice,' he said.
Every time, he would apologise, slow down a little, until he felt so strongly about a response that he'd speed up and the problem would start all over again.
At one stage, Justice Natalie Adams said: 'It's not only the speed, it's the amount of information in each response.'
'I know it's hard while you're giving evidence.' Again, he apologised and vowed to speak more slowly.
He was the most animated when pointing the finger at police bosses he didn't like.
They were all named and accused of homophobia, bullying and intimidation.
Those bosses were the reason, he alleged, he felt suicidal.
He insisted his depression had absolutely nothing to do with Baird.
Lamarre-Condon admitted to staging a break-in at Baird's house, putting water in Baird's fuel tank, and lying about a bizarre Instagram post where he falsely claimed Baird had sent him flowers.
He also admitted seeing Baird have sex with another man through his window, but insisted he didn't stay and watch 'like a little creep'.
His evidence will resume at 10am on Friday.
Lamarre-Condon took his stepfather's depression medication
Beau Lamarre-Condon told the court he took his stepfather's medication for depression, despite not having a prescription himself.
The court heard he didn't go to a doctor for his own prescription because he feared for his job.
Lamarre-Condon said a boss who was allegedly abusive was being moved to his department.
He said that particular boss had said 'in front of over 80 staff' that anyone on mental health medication would not be able to return to work.
The court heard that he took his stepfather's medication to find out if it had an impact on his mental health.
Court was then adjourned for the day.
Lamare-Condon says he regrets 'joking' when he asked a friend if they'd 'bury a body' for him
Beau Lamarre-Condon said he regrets joking with a friend about burying a body.
The court previously heard Lamarre-Condon was running acting lines with a friend, known as Fiona Rosso for court reporting purposes, when he suddenly asked: 'Would you bury a body for me?'
She told the court she saw it as a joke, so she agreed.
In court on Thursday, Lamarre-Condon said it was a joke that cops often made with each other.
He said that he deeply regretted making the joke and he would never do it again.
A naturopath told Beau Lamarre-Condon that he 'may' have a cancerous lump, court hears
Beau Lamarre-Condon told the court that a naturopath told him he may have a cancerous lump.
Earlier on Thursday, the court heard Lamarre-Condon never had cancer, despite telling Jesse Baird he did.
During his evidence, he told the court that he did send an Instagram message to Baird from his friend's account to make it look as though she sent the message.
The message said Lamarre-Condon had cancer, would undergo chemotherapy and may have to have his arm amputated.
He also told the court that he had seen a naturopath about a concerning lump.
'She believed it may be a form of cancer,' he told the court.
'That's what she believed it was. 'She told me I should get it removed and get a biopsy done.'
He told the court he did not get it removed or have a biopsy done.
Lamarre-Condon wanted to take his own life during a New Year's Eve Bali trip, the court heard
Lamarre-Condon told the court he planned to take his own life in Bali over the New Year's period in 2023/24.
The court heard he went to Bali with a friend, who can't be named for legal reasons. He was supposed to have gone with Baird but they had broken up.
Lamarre-Condon said that he didn't want to take his own life in Australia and have his colleagues find his body, so he resolved to do it in Indonesia.
'I was planning on going to a quiet location ... possibly Uluwatu,' he told the court.
The court heard that he was looking up gun silencers for this reason.
He was accused of looking up silencers in preparation for the alleged murders of Jesse Baird and Luke Davies.
As he talked about attempts on his own life, he cried. Lifeline 13 11 14
Accused killer DID pour water in Jesse Baird's fuel tank
Beau Lamarre-Condon admitted to pouring water into Jesse Baird's fuel tank.
He said there was a scratch on his Tesla, which was parked away from the kerb. He believed Baird had scratched the car over their final break-up in November 2023.
'I did not see him do this,' he told the court.
'I know tit-for-tat isn't right, but I … poured water in the petrol tank [of Baird's ute],' he said.
Baird's car broke down between Sydney and Melbourne because there was water in the diesel fuel tank.
Beau Lamarre-Condon addresses flowers-gate
Lamarre-Condon has told a court that he did post a photo of flowers on Instagram to bait Jesse Baird's new date into revealing their relationship.
The alleged killer was accused of posting a bunch of flowers on Instagram with the caption 'when he's in Melbourne and still sends you flowers', which implied he and Baird were in a relationship.
The post was only shared with people Lamarre-Condon deemed 'close friends' on Instagram. Baird was not in that group and didn't have access to the posts, but was told about them by others.
Baird confronted him and asked what the post was about.
In court, Lamarre-Condon admitted that he initially lied to Baird, claiming the flowers were actually sent to his mum by her partner because she was recovering from a broken foot.
'I felt bad that I originally lied to Jesse,' he said.
'I decided I wanted to go there [Jesse's house] with flowers and also a card.'
He told the court that he did intentionally and falsely imply the flowers were sent to him from Baird.
Lamarre-Condon breaks down while talking about his suicide attempt: 'Sign from God'
Beau Lamarre-Condon broke down on the witness stand for the third time while giving evidence in his double murder trial.
Lamarre-Condon previously worked as a NSW Police officer in Youth Command, dealing with troubled teens.
He told the court that he chose to go to Youth Command because he was exposed to traumatic scenes as a young officer, including dealing with dead bodies.
The court heard he ended up with a series of homophobic and abusive bosses, one of whom would allegedly read staff medical records aloud in the office.
When he asked to move departments, he was told his other option was to go back to 'scraping dead bodies off the street'.
He said he became suicidal as a result of his job, and that it had nothing to do with Baird. He said their relationship was going well at the time.
At one point, he said he pulled out his gun inside the police station prior to October 2023.
'I was about to put it to my head and two young people I case managed knocked on my door,' Lamarre-Condon told the court.
'And then I realised what I was about to do and how these young people would feel if they walked in and saw me with a gunshot wound to my head.'
He started sobbing while speaking about the next attempt at the Royal National Park, in Sydney's south.
Lamarre-Condon said he went to the national park with a rope, tied it around a tree and tried to take his own life.
'The rope came loose and broke and I saw it as a sign from God, I thought that's stupid, and I didn't do it and I left,' he said, through tears.
Lamarre-Condon said there were young people who relied on him and trusted him and he couldn't let them down.
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Lamarre-Condon did stage a break and enter when he took Baird's phone and wallet, but claims he didn't actually break in...
Beau Lamarre-Condon told the court that he did stage a break-in when he took Jesse Baird's phone in the middle of the night to read his texts, but claims he didn't actually break in.
The former cop has pleaded not guilty to break and enter over the incident on August 17, 2023.
Prosecutors allege he went into Baird's home to take his phone and wallet, but shoved a bobby pin in the lock to make it look like a break-in.
In court on Thursday, Lamarre-Condon said that was partly true, but he let himself in with a key Baird left for him in the letterbox.
Lamarre-Condon said he was supposed to stay at Baird's house that night anyway, and he knew he would arrive after Baird was asleep.
At that time, they had only just rekindled their romantic relationship after breaking up in April 2023 because Baird didn't want a serious boyfriend.
Lamarre-Condon told the court: 'I wanted to see if he was in another relationship or not because I didn't want to commence a relationship with him if he was with someone else.'
He told the court that he thought he could check Baird's phone while he was asleep.
The court heard he didn't want Baird to wake up and find him checking his phone, so he decided to take the phone across the road.
He put a pin in the door because, if Baird woke up, he wanted Baird to think someone had broken into his house.
'On the off chance he was to wake up he wouldn't know I went through his phone, and if he didn't wake up, I could put the key back in the letterbox and jump into bed with him,' he said.
'So I put the pin in the door, I put the key back in the letterbox, I walked into his bedroom, his phone was next to his bed, Jesse was asleep in bed.
'His phone was next to his bedside table, his phone was on charge, I picked up his phone with one hand and his wallet with the other, and I put his phone on flight mode, unplugged it and the charger dropped and Jesse woke up.'
Lamarre-Condon said he froze, as Baird - who hadn't recognised him - yelled: 'Let's go, c**t!'
'You're lucky I don't have a f***ing knife or a bat with me!'
He said that he made a split-second decision to run, rather than having an 'hour-long' conversation with Baird about why he was going through his phone.
Lamarre-Condon said he didn't realise he was still holding Baird's wallet and phone as he ran down the street, and as Baird chased him.
'It was stupid,' he told the court.
Accused killer says he didn't abuse his position as a cop to spy on Baird using pub CCTV
Beau Lamarre-Condon told the court he only obtained footage of Jesse Baird with friends at a pub because he was there for work.
Crown prosecutors accused Lamarre-Condon of using his position as a police officer to obtain footage of Baird at a pub as part of his alleged campaign of stalking.
On Thursday, Lamarre-Condon told the court there had been an assault at the pub, and he was tasked with collecting security footage.
He claimed to have only realised Baird was in the footage once it was obtained.
There was no reason to write the incident up in his official police notes because there was no assault visible on the CCTV.
Beau Lamarre-Condon: 'I didn't watch Jesse Baird having sex like a little creep'
Beau Lamarre-Condon told the court that he didn't watch or take photos of Jesse Baird having sex with another man.
The court previously heard Lamarre-Condon went to Baird's house and watched him have sex with another man through his bedroom window, and allegedly sent photos to his friend Elizabeth Kennedy.
On Thursday, Lamarre-Condon told the court he saw Baird being intimate with another man after their first breakup on April 21, 2023, but it was an accident, and he didn't stick around or take photos.
Lamarre-Condon said he left some of his clothes at Baird's house and had asked if he could collect them.
He said Baird told him to knock on his bedroom window when he arrived.
Lamarre-Condon said he could see through Baird's sheer curtains that his bedroom light was on.
'I thought I'd knock on his window because that's what I'd normally do, I went to knock but I didn't because I saw Jesse having sexual intercourse with someone I did not know,' he said.
He said that he 'froze' and left. 'I did not stay and watch like a little creep,' he said.
'I did not take photos. I did not send any photos to Elizabeth Kennedy.'
Accused killer reveals the first time he read Jesse Baird's texts
Beau Lamarre-Condon told the court that his romantic relationship with Baird continued through to April 2023.
On April 14, he said, they met up with his friend Georgia Cook in Manly before doing an escape room together.
They went back to Baird's house in Paddington when, Lamarre-Condon claimed, Baird asked him to edit a video of them in the escape room on his phone.
'Jesse gave me access to his phone,' he said.
He said messages from another man popped up, so Lamarre-Condon clicked on them and read the conversation.
He took photos of the messages with his phone and 'sent that photo to multiple friends to ask for their advice,' he said.
Lamarre-Condon told the court he told Baird he was sick and went home because he was upset about the messages.
He then decided to talk to Baird about the status of their relationship.
The court heard he re-joined the dating app Tinder and realised Baird was also on Tinder.
Lamarre-Condon also said Baird would often leave his house key in the letterbox so he could let himself in when Baird wasn't there.
One of the first times this happened, the court heard, Baird texted Lamarre-Condon, saying: 'Left the key in the letterbox for you.
'As much as it pains me to say this, maybe leave [your dog] Ivy at yours tonight, still getting to know my other housemate xx.
'I'll be home asap to give you a big, sloppy kiss xoxo.'
Lamarre-Condon explained Baird had used a tongue emoji at the end of the text.
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